For two months I have been working at Staples, in Pasadena. It’s been back to school season so I’ve been tied down working and haven’t had a clear moment to actually get my head on straight and realize what exactly has been going on. Now that said season is done though, I’ve spent this past week thinking. Laying in a corner in a room which isn’t even my own. Just thinking. Thinking about how I’ve been bullied and betrayed by my family. Thinking about my situation, and how I’m going to survive. Thinking about my friends who are too busy throwing a fit over the car their parents took away to even think to ask if I’m doing okay. But even if they did take the time to ask, I’d be lying if I said I was fine.
A little over a month ago, it was my birthday. Instead of doing what a normal person would do - throw a party, go to Disneyland, get super fucked up and have an awesome time - I worked. It was my first day on the cash register. I had a lot of fun, to be honest. I find it a little sad that I would rather spend my day working, as opposed to going out with friends or having quality family time. But as we all know, all good things come to an end. I hung out with my best friend, and headed home. Around 1AM in the morning, my mom had the bright idea to come harass me. The context of which I was being harassed about doesn’t need to be said here. I have yet to see any merit in what I was accused of. Back to the point, anyone who knows my parental figure knows that things tend to go to an absurd extreme with her. I refuse to call her my mother, because she has failed to be just that. Her request was simple - My MacBook (Which was paid for with my own funding, and is registered under my own name.) was to be wiped clean of all data. I fought it, seeing I didn’t see the purpose of it. But she won in the end. It was my fault that thinking if I gave in, she would back off. That’s just not how things work. She came in the next morning and decided that simply wiping it clean was not enough - I had to relinquish it to her. The $1500 purchase was to be handed over to her, immediately and indefinitely, or I was to leave the house hold without delay. I didn’t get the option of finding someplace to go. I was to grab my stuff and leave if I didn’t want to hand over the laptop. I knew her; I knew if I gave in things wouldn’t just stop there. But the two most influential people in my life both thought I was just being stupid, and caught up in an addiction. The two people who should have known better actually fought me and convinced me to hand it over. I look back on that now, and see how obscenely wrong and petty you were.
That was that, I handed it over and spent two weeks drowning myself in work. In the mean time, she made more requests. Do this or get out, help me with this or get out. Oh, you have work? Too bad. Tell them you’ll be late. You’re going to help me, or you can move out. It was pathetic. I’ve never felt so bullied and abused in my life. I felt helpless, like I was drowning. Figuratively, I guess I was. Those two weeks took a lot out of me. But aside from the hell hole I was living in, I was still earning money. Money that meant something to me. It was a sign of hope to me. I was working towards getting away from my supposed home. It was good.
Those two week passed, and I had gotten over not having a laptop. I didn’t like what was going on at home, but I was able to at least learn how to make due and not let it get to me. I had a little charade in my head telling me that this was just for now, and like all other things, this too shall pass. I guess the little devil saw this. I wasn’t being terrorized, I was comfortable. Time for her next big move then. Laptop was gone, she couldn’t hold that over me anymore. She’d already interfered with school the best she could. If she tried to mess up work for me, she knew I’d retaliate. So what could she possibly do? What did she have power over that I couldn’t stop her from messing with? My phone. (This kind of sounds like some stupid first world nation problem, but it’s more so the symbolic idea than it is the physicality of it all.) So she decided it was time to cancel my phone line. With no laptop, or phone. Any and all outside connection would essentially be cut off and silenced immediately. Funny thing is, the day prior, I had walked into sprint and discovered I had the funding to get my own phone line. A new contract, new line, new number. My name, my credit, my money. Nothing in ANY way related to my mom. Her attempt had failed. It had failed to a point that it perturbed her enough to resort to the same methods used above. Give me your phone, or leave.
This time, I didn’t even bother asking others opinions. I fought her with everything I had. I tore the phone from her hands, we yelled, she threatened to call the cops if I didn’t hand over the phone or leave. Sometime passed, and I ultimately ended up leaving the next morning with the help of a friend. I moved myself into motel 6 around the corner. That was the first time in all of this that I flat out broke down crying. At that point, I didn’t have time to think of what was going on. I had less than 24 hours to find a semi-permanent place of residence so that I didn’t become one of many living at the local park, shopping cart and all. A close friend ended up taking me in the next morning.
I want to stop and take a moment to realize two things here - 1) I was pushed out, not kicked. 2) I had officially lost my family. My mom didn’t walk in the room and tell me I had to flat out leave. She DID offer me an option, no matter how insanely pathetic and unrealistic it may be (noting that if I handed over the phone, I would have still had to pay the 70/month for it, due to cancellation fees). Leaving was my own choice. She didn’t make this one for me. I pride myself in the fact that the path I choose was my own, it was not dictated or forced by a tyrant obsessed with power and control. I walked away, and in doing so I lost my family. If I fuck up now, I’m on my own. I have no family to pick me up and hold me up high when I’m feeling my lowest. My family had never been there for me before. It’s just the thought that there is no hope of ever fixing the wrongs. It’s over. Ten years from now, I could be dead. They could be dead. Neither side would ever know. To anyone that thinks they have it rough - remember that you still have your family. They love you, they offer you an unconditional roof, they’ll always be there for you. I have NONE of that. I am on my own. The only support I truly have, is that which I create for myself.
I have been living with my friend for two weeks, and to be honest, it was rough. There were days where I would lay in my corner and simply not want to move, not want to live. I still feel like that at times. I do an excellent job at putting on a dance face and keeping myself from collapsing, but nothing lasts forever. I’ve come very close to successfully getting myself started up several times, but each time has created it’s own set backs. Things are still fresh, so I won’t go into details of what is specifically going on. But here is an overall idea of my current situation : I’m broke, I’m homeless, and I have one person left in my life that I can lean on. I doubt this person realizes how much I hope I have in them, and how much I am actually relying on them to put a smile on my face at the end of the day. I don’t think its even possible to make them realize it. Things are bad right now. As I said before, I need some inspiration. I have a room I am looking at over in Monrovia, but that is looking pretty grim. Due to my guardians actions haunting me even after I’ve left, I have no money to move in with. I think that might be the most devastating part of this all. I worked so hard these past weeks, got everything in order. And once I had found a way to make everything work, I wanted nothing more but to have a proper date where I took YOU out, and then I could simply return to MY room and MY bed, and enjoy the warmth of another, or at least the company. A hug means so much more to me now. Everything in general means so much more to me, quite frankly.
Sorry, I think I’ve gone off on enough of a tangent. To wrap things up, I stayed for two weeks and things became uncomfortable for her, and it was made clear that it was time to leave. I am now staying with a not so close friend of mine, who has somewhat helped me out in the past. I have a week or two here, no more. After that time has passed, It will be left to the one option I have left. I’m going to pursue this as much as I can, and if it fails… Homeless shelter it is. I’m not being dramatic or anything. But if I can’t pull through this, that’s exactly where I’m going to be. I’ll kill myself before I go live back at my old house, and I’ve used my resources. Financial aide, please save me. Please please please. PLEASE.
To those of you who stuck through and read this, thank you for listening. It’s late and time for me to rest my eye’s. I’m'a0 Tomorrow’s a new day, and hopefully I’ll get somewhere. I just need to keep telling myself I can do this.